Friday, December 29, 2017

Sleepless Night Poetry

HOLLOWED GRIEF

She's been gone over 10 years now
but it still barrels through me
at times
leaving my heart aching
with the memory
Of that impossible feeling
when something irrevocable and unfathomable happens
and your body falls away
into that no-place
There, but removed somehow
and your heart, your gut are left hanging
abandoned
Suddenly Orphaned
so incredibly heavy
dripping tiny broken pieces
and all you can feel is
searing pain
A cold black fire
Of absence
She's gone.
Harry Ally
Figure No. 63
charcoal & conte on paper    30 x 22





















Then a wave breaks
punching into the impossible feeling
And another wave
shoves against my set-aside body
Waves waking
over and over
Until a final
More gentle
Wave
Washes the cold-laden
Singed
Quivering
Pain
Into place
Inside me
a wail is sucked out of me
As the last wave
Hollows me out in retreat
Leaving a trembling thing
Where my heart used to be
Sobs throb out of me
with each incongruous Squeeze
of the involuntary muscle
Until I am pumped dry
Mind exhausted
Fall
Into the refuge of sleep

Thursday, December 21, 2017

Christmas in Shoshoni

This was something I shared recently in a group of family and friends on Facebook and thought I would share it here. 


This is my gift to you, those faithful few who read my sporadic ramblings. 


Merry Christmas.


December 9, 2017


I was looking through one of my Mom's old Home Companion magazines from 1999 this morning (oh no, we aren't pack rats) and one of the stories reminded me of our Christmas in Shoshoni, Wyoming. It was the year my step dad was in Germany and my Mom, my eldest brother and I packed up and hit the road for the Rocky Mountains. “The Rockies,” Mom said, in a magical tone of voice, eyes wide, with a smile. It was one of the best Christmases I remember. In my preteen boredom, I had found a payload of glass Christmas ornaments (not red, not gold, but PINK) in the creepy root cellar of the house we were renting on the outskirts of town. Shortly thereafter, I saw some discarded limbs from the neighbor's Christmas tree next to their trash can outside - and a light bulb went off in my head. I gathered the discarded limbs and tied them together to resemble a kind of stunted evergreen (imagine Charlie Brown's and you've about nailed it). Early Christmas morning, footsteps and whispers roused me. My brother sometimes came in off the oil rig at odd hours, I probably thought it was him. I just remember being very surprised to see not one tall brother-like shadowy figure, but several small feminine ones. Through the crack of the door, I strained to see the living room in the otherworldly glow of predawn light that bounced off the snow and refracted through the frost-bordered windows. I made out the bundled figures of my brother's friend with her kids as they left gifts under that sad little excuse of a tree. I don't recall exactly what all the presents were, but I do remember the joy of everyone having something truly unexpected to open. And I loved what I received, I think it was a little trinket or jewelry box. I was so proud of that tree; how brave I'd been to make, not one, but several trips, into the spooky cellar to retrieve the ornaments, gathering the discarded limbs from nearby neighbors and the final triumph of getting those flimsy limbs to stand up somewhat straight. I think it was in a bucket or a big stock pot or something and some rocks from the driveway maybe? I remember it was cold, and I remember we were happy. And I remember the love.



Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Shimmer and Shine

You know how sometimes you read a book and you feel like every woman you know should read it?
 
This is one of those books.
 
I will be honest here, I didn't quite finish it, but I was with a friend of mine to meet up for dinner last night and I couldn't NOT give her this book! There were maybe a dozen pages left and I really wanted to finish it but the desire for her to read this book, like yesterday, was so strong I just handed it over to her. Then I took it back and marked a page she HAD to read THAT night and gave it back to her. And I'm realizing that she's not the only one that I feel needs to read it. I had already recommended the book to another girlfriend and, knowing my extremely good taste in reading material, she had gone out and bought it and was reading it. All kidding aside, you guys need to read this book from start to finish!  I myself want to reread it again, and I just finished it.  In fact, I just, literally, ordered another one online.  It's like one of those books that you want to never stop reading, even if it's just a little bit every day. 
 
It isn't that I can relate to every single situation or every single letter or every single cry for help but because of the way Cheryl Strayed gives the advice. It's the philosophy behind the advice, not just a specific situation, it's where she gets it from; that primal, visceral place that we all have, that she has this gift for getting to. She's able to get in there with those little appetizer spoons and forks and dig out all the nooks and crannies  to get to what the real point of the matter is.  It's the way she gets around all the marshmallow fluff we call the problem, plucks out the hard, black pit of the real issue and presents it to us on this gourmet platter made of ice that melts away slowly leaving us with the answer we didn't know we were seeking - this water of life in a shimmering puddle in the cup of our hands and says, "Drink!" 
 
It's so impactful the way she does it and yet so tender and respectful of each and every person's feelings because she understands!  She understands that many of these people are coming to her with really sensitive, heart-wrenching stories and yet, she has this gift of reaching each person right where they are, no more, no less, but still challenging.  There's a part of the book where she talks about how she was telling her partner something about her life, something that was hard or hurtful, and he tells her, "You don't have to be broken for me to love you." She said it was like he had dipped her heart right out of her chest and presented it to her.  Now I wish I had the book so I could quote it correctly!  I feel like I botched it!  It was the way she interpreted what she felt into words, I loved it.  It resonated with me. In a way that I was able to understand and digest it and go, "OH. I get that. I so get that."
 
I just realized I never mentioned the name of the book.  It's Tiny Beautiful Things.  And it's full of them.  Get it.  Read it.  You won't regret it.
 
https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780307949332

 

Sunday, May 14, 2017

SUPER SATURDAY


SUPER SATURDAY

I had a really great day yesterday with my beau (aka G); running errands, shopping, and driving around.

First stop was the bank, bleh, nothing to see here.

Next stop was Rummagepalooza in Belleville. I'd heard about it through my daughter, who was setting up a booth there, and wanted to check it out. I thought about getting a booth too, but the timing just wasn't right this year. (Maybe next year.) Rummagepalooza was small but mighty! I loved it. It wasn't your run-o-the-mill yard sale stuff, but a nice mix of local businesses, a food truck, individual artisans. It was great. I will definitely go back next year.

The first order of business was to find the daughter and grandson and check in with them. Ok, from the very beginning of this girl's life, she's had a flare. I'm talking, from the time she could dress herself. It started with the socks. They couldn't match. What fun is that?! And it only got...shall we say...more creative. And I know this. I KNOW she has a thing for clothes, and hats and stuff, but this kid had three racks of clothes in her booth! I was like, “Why are you getting rid of this gorgeous velvet blazer???” Her calm response to her mother's outcry, “Mom, I have so many clothes.”
 
Shaina doing her thang.
 
After we checked in with the family, it was time to explore. I like to try, keyword here is TRY, to do these types of things in an organized manner, so we headed for one end, with the plan to work out way down and back up the other side. But, well, I have a little bit of an attention-span problem. Yes, the “Look, a squirrel!” kind of problem. So, what ends up happening most of the time is a kind of Winnie-the-Pooh-and-Tigger-Too bouncing back and forth between booths, speed walking from one brightly-colored attraction to another. And, well, this makes a woman thirsty. Oh look! Coffee! My most favorite drink in the world (next to wine)!

And here I am getting ahead of myself. Back to that first booth. I laid eyes on THE most gorgeous antique wood frame. Wait a minute, that picture looks so familiar - that's a mirror, Angelic. Still! So much potential, beautiful curves, handsome corbels on either side, but I play it cool. I look at the glasses that are real glass, but look like the clear plastic tumblers from diners gone by. Pick up the old plastic Alf lunch box. Put it back down. Meander to the front where the young man is manning the table. How much for that mirror? Five bucks? I struggle desperately to simultaneously control my facial expression while not peeing myself with excitement. I act like I'm considering the purchase as I talk to G about whether or not it would fit in the car and oh-so-slowly extract a fiver from my front pocket, trying to control the sudden urge to just throw the money at the kid, grab the mirror, and run. G either has far more self-control than I or does not understand the brevity of the situation as he suggests to the table-manning-kid that we pay now, but come back for it later. I look up at G in horror, but I have sunglasses on and before he can interpret my reaction, I gather my wits in time to snap my jaw shut, smile sweetly and agree. G takes my hand and gently leads me away as I steal, what I'm certain is a last glance, at my beloved mirror.

But it doesn't take long before the mirror has taken a back seat as we come across a leather-maker's booth, red 20 workshop. And I see, once again, the leather coffee cup coozie I'd pinned on pinterest a gazillion years ago and have since coveted each time I've seen them at craft fairs and vintage markets ever since. I never buy them though, because, well, they aren't cheap. Not to say they aren't worth every penny, especially this one, hand-made with obvious care. And I can't walk away this time empty-handed. So, I spend the next several minutes deliberating on which one to get; “Hello Darkness My Old Friend” or “Coffee: Life's Blood” or "but first Coffee."
 
Sara Cooper, maker of awesome leather coffee coozies and such.

After the purchase, G demonstrates that the coozie doubles as an accessory and proceeds to snap it onto my wrist and commend me, not only on my exquisite taste, but savvy thriftiness as well. I beam and agree and model the cuff as if I'm the Wonder Woman of caffeinated beverages, deflecting dangerous coffee beans. And IS that coffee I smell? Indeed it is, several booths away, but it doesn't matter, it's as if the aroma is a magic carpet and we are floating to it effortlessly, nose first.

G has not worked up the mighty thirst I have, so he's off to shop for old rusty tools at an uncovered u-shaped set of tables across the lot and leaves me standing in front of the coffee booth breathing in the rejuvenating perfume. That is, until the dude behind the table ever-so-politely interrupts my reverie with, “Can I help you?” I nod affirmatively on instinct and hear occasional words as I struggle to come out of the coffee-induced fog; cold brew, local, roaster, train depot. Wait? Train depot? What does that have to do with coffee? I start to pay attention to what the dear man is saying. The roaster is Balance Coffee & Tea and is housed in a renovated early 20th century train depot in Belleville. Needless to say, not only do I buy a cup of their cold brew joe, but a bag of coffee beans as well. I snap my new coffee coozie onto the cup and head over to show it off to G.

Marsh and friends of Balance Coffee & Tea in Belleville
G readily takes a sip of the coffee, proclaims it to be satisfactory and proceeds to pick up another rusty tool. I try to be interested in what it is he's asked me and I fail to guess correctly what the tool is and he's proceeded to explain it to me, but my eyes are wandering off past him, over his shoulder, at the antique tins this rusty tool guy has. “That's neat honey. Did you see those?” and I head for the tins. He doesn't follow, but that's ok, he's a seasoned shopper-with-Angelic and knows that by the time I get to the tins, I will have seen something else and moved on before he reluctantly sets down whatever it is he's examining for potential usefulness and catches up with me. And it's true, because, look! Over there! That old metal tool box is my favorite color!

Don't get me wrong, G and I love to antique together and actually spend the most part of our time shopping TOGETHER, but we also both like to wander off alone, so that we can find something fabulous to bring the other one back to see.

I still have several dollars burning a hole in my pocket, so I circle back to check on my daughter, who is working on her chalk art in the space in front of her booth. It's coming along beautifully – very colorful – much like my her!

Behind her booth and down a little ways is an artist, that I'm sure is very talented, but I was not inclined to venture into his booth or spend much time there – you see, he takes creepy old dolls and recreates even creepier dolls. I apologized to the guy as I swung wide to avoid making eye contact with the small village of dolls that were all staring at me, watching my every step, their eyes stabbing me in the back as I quick-stepped away.

We meandered around some more, but didn't see anything else we had to have, so while G and the grandson bantered, I bought a cup of home-brewed kombucha from Harmony Tribe Organics, sampled some more local roasted cold brewed coffee (blueprint coffee) and bought a snack of raw, vegan coconut macaroons from Earthen Foods, another Ripple of Existence artisan. We ate the macaroons in the car later and they were delicious!

The rest of the day was spent driving around the area exploring, shopping for a turbo plunger for the bathroom, checking my own flea market booth in Lebanon, and hitting the local IGA for groceries before heading home. After we got home, G started dinner on the grill while I cleaned the kitchen and made roasted asparagus. Our post-dinner activities were much less exciting - G cleaned out the tub drain with our newly acquired turbo plunger and cleaned the tub, while I put laundry away.

Saturday, April 25, 2015

It's Time for the Vintage Market!


I've never been one to shop just for the sake of shopping. It's just not something that I've ever relished doing. However. Several years ago my daughter told me about a vintage market that was coming to the area and that she wanted me to go with her (she was already a vintage junkie).  So I did.

This is my daughter, being silly, at our first St. Louis Vintage Market Days.  What a blast!
That day changed my life forever. I became an official convert.

I now understand why women like to shop. I enjoyed that day so much that I went back the following two days. Insisting my friends go with me. That this was something that they were just going to love. Mind you, it wasn't as life altering for them as it was for me. Most likely because their shopping gene had been activated at an early age, whereas my shopping gene was activated very late in life (as in the day before), but they still enjoyed it.

That first year, I took a ton of pictures and did a hefty blog on it. I think this is the fourth one for St. Louis. (Chandra, please correct me if I'm wrong.) Last fall the venue was in Highland, Illinois at the fairgrounds and I think the best venue so far mostly because so much of it was covered or indoors. 

St. Louis Vintage Market Days, Fall 2014

This was one of the coolest vendors that year.  I found a great Christmas gift here!

This year the venue is at the Chesterfield amphitheater and is just lovely; generous paved walkways, very flat, a nice walk from the parking (at Chesterfield Mall), very clear signage, and uber obvious orange safety cone walkways manned by very pleasant guides encouraging us "to follow the yellow brick road." It was fantabulous!

 

I could hear the live music as soon as we got through the gate. Last night was one of my all time favorite local bands, Miss Jubilee and the Humdingers. They are widely known in the St. Louis area and specialize in swing and big band style music. I bought their CD that first year. Love them! So did my girlfriend. She signed up for their email newsletter so she could get the latest on when and where they are performing.

My friend had never been before so it was cool introducing her to this fun shopping experience. She is no longer a Vintage Market Days virgin! She loved it of course. I didn't take very many pictures because I was busy chatting with her and greeting the vendors, many of which I remembered from past years, and some who actually remembered me! 

I hope to go back either today or tomorrow and spend more time capturing some photos, plus I have my eye on a lamp at Pheone's Vintage Market's booth for my little back porch project that I'm doing.  It's just so cute and so perfect (she even sells those vintage looking light bulbs). 

What do you think? Can you see those bulbs? Just perfect!

The other thing I was on the hunt for are some new drawer pulls for an antique dresser I picked up at an auction a while back. And I finally found them! Here's the dresser.  I can't wait to post pics of the drawer pulls and the finished product.

 

So, if you haven't experienced St. Louis Vintage Market Days you must go!  As we were walking to the venue yesterday afternoon somebody behind us asked someone walking towards us, "How was it?" And the person coming the other way, who was empty handed I might add, said, "Oh, it's kind of flea market-y." While I agree the layout is similar, I would beg to differ on the actual content! 
I just love this!

My favorite part of VMD are the vendors. They are so personable; they will talk to you about your furniture, they're willing to share their ideas, provide tips for replacing a stripped drawer pull, even coach you on how to keep that Angel Vine alive. One vendor even remembered what I bought the year before! The personable nature of each vendor is what really sets this event apart from any other. That human connection that makes the experience so much more enjoyable than going to the mall or a regular flea market. I think because these are people just like you and me that are out there with the desire to earn a living sharing their creativity and craftsmanship. People willing to really see you and share your shopping experience with you. 

My girlfriend was looking for something for her home and found an old tin ceiling tile and an old metal galvanized letter cutout to go with it. When she went to pay, the vendor gave her a couple of magnets so the letter would stick to the ceiling tile and she's looking at it, moving the letter around, cocking her head back and forth, "I really like the way that looks," she said. And I could see the wheels turning in her head. So, it's also a sharing of ideas between the vendors and the customers as well as, just an openness that you get.  Everyone we interacted with was so nice and very friendly. I'm looking forward to going back at least one more time this weekend. I'm still mulling over those lights for my little back porch...

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Empathy

I'm at a book signing. One of my most favorite authors! I'm early and just waiting. I just read on her Facebook page that her mother passed a little over a month ago. And a fresh grief washes over me. I'm seriously fighting back tears. I'm not sure if it is truly empathy or just the reminder making me want to go hide in a bathroom stall and cry. I want to hug her when I see her. Tell her how very sorry I am. How we are now sister orphans. But I don't want to make her cry. Or embarrass her. So I take deep breaths. One after another. I wonder if anyone else sitting here knows. I don't think so. Most of the chairs are filled with women. Some noisily chatting in clutches. Oblivious. Completely unaware how her world fell away from her in separation mere weeks ago. And how she is bobbing along in the surf of life. So, that is how I felt. And sometimes still do.  And how I can only imagine she might feel.